Why Men Hate Going to Church

I’ve read a great book recently – so good in fact, that I read it twice (the second time, making notes, underlining and generally de-facing the book all designed to help me remember with a little more clarity than I usually do). And I recommend you read it: Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow.

You won’t agree with all of it, and it may even make you a little angry in places (especially if you are the strung out feminist type) – but it will challenge you to think and at least form some of your own ideas.
The book is about why the number of males sitting on our church pews is diminishing. What is it about church that men hate and so don’t turn up?

There is one word that comes out time and time again throughout the book (and I have previously blogged about this word, because it is a word that really does not resonate with me), and the word is NICE. The men that do go to church end up turning into nice men: humble, tidy, dutiful even if a little boring.

Yet NICE is killing the male spirit, it is killing the church. It is time to stop being nice.

Murrow talks about how films show our fantasies. Nothing new there I know but interestingly when you look at the films men watch – action, adventure, risk, reward, performance, power and heroic sacrifice – you can see why men dream about saving the world with impossible odds. Power tools really took off when they took the drill and made it work with batteries – as then it is the perfect replica of a gun. We don’t drill holes – we blow up terrorist embassies with our Black and Decker.

My wife, on the other hand, really doesn’t like those films and she struggles when I let my boys watch them (and to be fair to Sharon, she does let me get on with it despite not understanding that this is what us boys “need”). Sharon likes “chick flicks” where there is romance and ultimately a relationship with a wonderful man.

And here in lies the problem – most churches emphasis the “relationship with Jesus”. Now don’t get me wrong, I know and Murrow knows about the importance of walking with Christ and our need for Him. But painting Christianity as a relationship with Jesus (another man) – for men is hard to understand. The church is full of feminine values and it drives men away saying that it is “boring and irrelevant”.

Murrow tells us that men want to succeed in everything that they do. Competence is important (again – nothing new if you are a man!). This is why we don’t ask for directions or read assembly instructions – it questions our competence. We also want to win. Friendly competition is good for us. But when it comes to church men don’t feel competent (compared to their wives) – so why compete. Other people are better.

Sports, hobbies, career, business and even video games create the competitive environments that allow men to reach greatness and even save the world. Church does not (at least usually).

We need a quest (that is such a great word!). An adventure. Danger. Not safety. We need guts (faith) and to rock the boat. Men make things happen. We are hard-wired for risk taking. And we’ll have fun doing it!

There was a statement in Murrow’s book that really stuck out to me:

Successful Christian living is defined not by the bold actions we take, but by the foolish actions we avoid. It’s not the goals that we accomplish, but the sins that we escape that make us good Christian men.

What a powerful statement and one that is so true of the modern church. Another quote of a quote from the book (!) “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein.

There are 340,000 churches in American, according to Murrow, all doing to about the same thing as the other. What makes us different? What makes us unique? As writer Jim Collins asked in Good to Great – what one thing do we do that we can be the best in the world at?

Paul told us that we are in Christ’s body – all different parts, all with value and all with a unique function. That unique function is called PURPOSE.

Men – what is your purpose? To save the world at impossible odds or become nice? To take risk? Have adventure and dream the impossible dream? It’s OK to seek greatness, despite what the “humility police” think. God can handle my failure a lot easier than He can handle my disobedience.

I have loved reading this book, and can recommend it to you. It really makes you think and challenge where you are at, and where you think your church is at.