59 Seconds to Happiness

I was asked recently, “What makes you happy?”

What a great question! if you haven’t read the book: 59 Seconds: Think a little, change a lot, then I highly recommend it. It is a great read. I particularly liked the chapter on happiness. Here are some of my notes from that chapter. You might want to try the journalling tips too – I really like those.

Happiness doesn’t just flow from success it actually causes it.

Is it possible to buy happiness?

• Ask most people what they need to be happy and in survey after survey “more money” is the top answer.
• Studies showed that those who have won the lottery on no more or less happy than those who haven’t.
• Studies show that when people can afford the necessities of life an increase in income does not result in a significantly happier life.
• Why is this the case? Part of the reason is that we all get used to what we have very quickly. Buying a new car provides a short-term feel-good boost but we quickly become accustomed to it and sink back to pre-purchased level of joy.

The scientific make-up of happiness.

• Research shows that about 50% of your overall sense of happiness is genetic
• 10% is due to general circumstances (educational level, income and whether you are married or single, etc).
• 40% is derived from your day to day behaviour, and the way in which you think about yourselves and others. This is the easiest one for you to change quickly.

The power of positive thinking?

Does the road to happiness really depend on people being able to simply push negative thoughts out there mind?

No. Research suggest that trying not to ink about something makes us focus on it more – so increasing misery. Try asking someone on a diet not to think about chocolate means they will eat more (fact).

Journal your way to happiness

People who have experienced a traumatic event have been encouraged to spend just a few minutes each day writing a diary type account of their deepest thoughts and feelings about it.

Participants experienced a remarkable boost in their psychological and physical well-being, including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness.

Writing encourages the creation of the storyline and a structure that helps people make sense of what’s happened and work towards a solution. Just talking about it can be unstructured and even chaotic

Journal outline

Maintain this journal for a week or two. If you feel the effects wearing off, simply repeat the exercise again.

• Monday: Thanksgiving.
  Think back over the past week and must be things which you are grateful for.
• Tuesday: terrific times.
  Think about one of the most wonderful experiences in your life will stop now spend a few moments writing down a description that experience and how you felt will stop to simply commit your thoughts to paper.
• Wednesday: future fantastic.
  Spend a few moments writing about your life in the future. Imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could. Be realistic, but imagine that you have worked hard and achieved or your goals. Imagine you have become the person you really want to be, and your personal and professional life feels like a dream come true.
• Thursday: dear…
  Think about sign your life is very important to you imagine you only have one opportunity to tell this person how important they are to you. Now write a short letter to this person, describing how much you care for them and the impact it had on your life.
• Friday: reviewing the situation.
  Think back over the past seven days and make a note of three things went really well for you.

What makes you happy?

“That’s how winning is done!” Rocky Balboa

I love the Rocky films, who doesn’t? My kids are just starting to get in to them, which is great as I get chance to watch them all again.

One of the clips that I love the most is this clip that I found on YouTube. It is a conversation Rocky has with his son who is doing nothing but complaining about life, and believes it to be everybody else’s fault (we’ve all been there). This is Rocky’s response to his son:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.

That’s how winning is done.

Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!

I’m always gonna love you no matter what.No matter what happens. You’re my son, my blood. You’re the best thing in my life but until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life

In what way have you taken a hit recently? Did you get back up? Let us know how

You are God’s Greatest Achievement – His Masterpiece

For we are God’s masterpiece…(Ephesians 2:10)

According the dictionary – masterpiece can mean one’s greatest achievement. So we could write this – we are God’s greatest achievement.

I don’t know how you think or even feel about yourself. I also don’t know what you think or feel about God. What I do know is that there is something about you that that He has made extraordinary.

Imagine for a minute that you really are God’s greatest achievement

What would that mean? Does it mean that life should be great everyday, problem free? Should you be able to be in-charge, the boss?

Perhaps it means that you should treat yourself with respect, and enjoy who God made you. That unique you. The amazing you. That part of you that loves life and the challenges it brings. That flavour and expression of the divine that comes only from you.

Masterpieces are…

Masterpieces are admired by most, even despised and misunderstood by some – but they have a brilliance that should be shown. And the same with you. You have something extraordinary to show to the world… So let your light shine.

Masterpieces are not copies. They are originals. If you try and be like someone else – the best you’ll be is number 2. Let the real you live. Be vulnerable with the world and show us who you really are because you are astounding.

Oh, and remember – that person sat next you on the train talking loudly on the phone, the homeless on the street and the new prime minister are all a masterpiece too. Maybe they just need for you to help them uncover it, rather than judge their veneer.

You are God’s greatest achievement. His very best – out of all creation you rank the highest, by far, in what He has done. He is proud of you. So show us all what you look like.    

Emotional Pornography

Came across a fascinating discussion over at the withoutwax blog by Pete Wilson discussing Emotional Pornography. To be fair – Pete was discussing the original article “The Dangers of Emotional Pornography” by Cole NeSmith – both articles have generated a lot of comments.

Cole states:

what about the unhealthy emotional and relational expectations portrayed in so much of our media? Is there really much of a difference in the hyperbolized sexual imagery of typical pornography and the hyperbolized momentary emotional high felt in a romance film or romantic comedy that sends us looking for a “love” that doesn’t exist?

Cole talks about he felt uneasy watching an episode of Glee that sparked all of this. I remember felling similar when watching ER (it caused me to stop watching it if I am honest).

Does the media generate in us a unhealthy view of what romance and love should look like?

The answer has to be an obvious “yes, of course it does“.

Somehow though – I feel that I am still able to judge between the media and real life. I must also say that in dealing with people the are having some kind of relationship issue (or when we do marriage prep) – not everyone can judge this difference and unhealthy expectations arise.

Has the church made this worse?

But I would like to take this one stage further and be a little controversial if I may: I just wonder if the church has made this worse or men, a lot worse by emasculating Jesus and using words like “lover” and “husband” to describe him?

We have presented (rightly or wrongly) a romantic notion of Christ coming in and sweeping you off your feet, and especially when life is at its lowest. This can be dangerous because wives can compare their husbands with Christ, the lover of their soul, and be sorely disappointed!

I remember reading Why Men Hate Going to Church. In there he relates a story about a man who called his pastor (Ed Cole) and said, “Pastor, my wife is having an affair with another man. His name is Jesus.”

So, as the church, are we compounding the effect and setting ourselves up for a big fall?

I still have a lot of questions over all of this, and I find the whole thing fascinating.

What about you? What are your thoughts?

10 Things to remember when saying “I’m Sorry”

I was listening to the audio version of ReWork yesterday. It’s a great book – short, straight-talking and very practical. Loved it – can recommend it. It was listening to the chapter “How to say you’re sorry” (which is interesting to me as in a few weeks, I’m doing a talk on the subject of forgiveness).

“There’s never really a great way to say you’re sorry, but there are plenty of terrible ways.” And there are indeed, plenty of terrible ways. Some I have done, some I have been the recipient of.

Terrible ways to say you’re sorry

“One of the worst ways is the non-apology apology, which sounds like and apology but doesn’t really accept any blame. For example, “We’re sorry if this upset you”…whatever.”

The first thing we must do is just accept responsibility, period. Be a man. Own up and face up. No “ifs” nor “buts”.

The worst ever apology “We apologise for any inconvenience caused”

In ReWork they talk about the phrase “We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused” and look at why it is bad:

1. “We” – never use group ownership, use “I”, don’t hide behind the group. Take responsibility.
2. You NEVER use the phrase “apologise” you always say – I am really, really sorry. Use language that is sincere and genuine. Not flowerery phrases.
3. “any inconvenience…” There is no understanding of what has happened to the person. Blanket apologies don’t work. Also – for most people, it is usually more than an inconvenience. As REWORK mentions, it is often a “crisis” for your customer. It can be a gut wrenching, soul destroying, heart-breaking event for someone.
4. “this MAY have caused…” again – this is not understanding individual cases. You are saying to people, “look – you might be hacked off, but most people aren’t. So you’re a bit of a freak – so just to show some good-will, we are offering you this non-apology apology.” Apologise to people that you have affected. Don’t apologise to those that you haven’t affected. Stop wavering.

10 Things to remember when saying “I’m Sorry”

1. How would you feel if the apology you are about to offer were offered to you?
2. Take responsibility! Stop being wishy-washy.
3. Don’t make conditional statements ie…”I’m sorry if we offended you”
4. Use “I” not “we”
5. Be genuine
6. Try hard to understand the affects that you have had on people – did you cause an inconvenience or did you cause a crisis? Did you upset them, or did you rip out their heart and stamp all over it?
7. Take action – don’t just say sorry and do nothing if there is something you can do put things right.
8. Don’t use crazy language – be you. Say it from the heart.
9. Don’t hide from what happened, ie. “I’m sorry but if you hadn’t have done this…I wouldn’t have done…” This is not about them. It is about you.
10. Be quick to apologise, “I’m sorry for being such a donkey 3 weeks ago” doesn’t work. Also be the first to apologise.

What are some of the best/worst apologies that you have heard/seen/done? What are your top tips for saying “I’m Sorry”?

Church Marketing 101 book notes. 10 free copies available

I mentioned a while ago that I was reading a book called Church Marketing 101 by Richard L Reising – well, finally, I have sat down to write a review on the book. (In my last post on this – I asked why Americans insisted on using their middle initial all the time – Richard kindly wrote to me and told me – thanks Richard!)

Should you buy and read this book?

Absolutely. It is a great book for any Christian to read, and especially those who are in leadership of some kind. I loved it and got a lot out of it – you should too. I believe that people should read this so much, that I am giving away 10 copies of the book (see below on how to get one).

OK – that said, why?

Honestly, I am sat in Starbucks at the moment drinking a cup of tea (don’t like coffee) and using their WiFi. Right outside is a group of lovely and well meaning Christians with an amplifier playing “You are my rock in times of trouble”. Oh, and I am sat in Slough which has a large Asian community. People are walking past either ignoring or laughing and joking at the Christians as they pass by. No one is taking a tract and no one is stopping to talk to them, yet, at least.

They have obviously not read this book.

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5 steps to doing something about your fear

I have a simple plan when dealing with fear that I use and lead others in when they are afraid. It asks: what are you DOING about your fear?

A brief summary

• D – Define your fears. Give your fears definition rather than leave them vague and unclear. Ask – what is it I am really afraid of?
• O – Outcomes. Think about the worst things that could happen if your fears come to pass. How likely is this? What are the best things that could happen if you deal with your fear? How likely is that to happen?
• I – Inspiration. Let God inspire you and breath faith into your spirit – it’s a great antidote to fear.
• N – Nerve. Dealing with fear means holding your nerve and exercising some courage. What are the right actions that you should take but that your fear is preventing your from taking? Resolve to do them. What actions could you take that will also help you overcome your fears?
• G – Guard. Keep up your guard. You are in a fight, and fear is your opponent, and it won’t go down without a fight.

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Dealing with Weariness – part 2

So far we have looked at a number of scriptures that talk about weariness. We have looked at how weariness can affect us and how it “grows” and develops. In my last post, we also started to look at how we deal with weariness. If you remember, there were four principles that we took from Scripture. The first one, which we covered last time, was how to wait on the Lord. In this post, we will look at the final three: consider Him, balance and serve.

Consider Him

Hebrews 12:3 (New International Version)
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

When we become weary is easy to become self-absorbed. To think only of our world. To think we’re the only ones affected. We start feel sorry for ourselves. I remember a time when I badly injured my right hand. I managed to put my hand through a table saw, and pretty much destroyed three of my fingers. I spent several days in hospital, had surgery and quite a lot of pain. My wife had just given birth to our second son, and all was not good in life. In hospital, I tried to remain optimistic but when I got home I began to suffer, not just physically but mentally. I couldn’t use my right hand and basic things like getting dressed and making toast were incredibly difficult to do. I couldn’t drive and I couldn’t work that well as I always used computers (typing was a problem). I am usually quite an active and independent guy – and it felt like a lot of this was taken away suddenly from me. I still had a lot of pain and whilst the surgeons with God’s help to the great job on repairing my fingers they still had to remove part of my right index finger (something that I found very hard to accept).

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Dealing with Weariness – part 1

How do you prevent yourself from becoming weary? Whilst I appreciate that each circumstance is different and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, there are some principles in Scripture that we can apply that we definitely help us, we will look at these in turn:

1. Wait on the Lord (we look at this in this post)
2. Consider Him
3. Balance
4. Serve

Wait on the Lord

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Notice here that the Bible tells us that even youths get weary, so us slightly older folk have no chance of avoiding this.

So God has promised strength for weariness, His strength for our weariness – it’s not a bad swap, is it? How do we get to this place of exchange? By waiting on the Lord.

There is no earth shattering revelation here and the solution is deceptively simple. For me, weariness happens when I have not connected with God for a while and entered that place of exchange where He gives me strength for my weariness, righteousness for my sin, grace for my works, health for my sickness and riches for my poverty. I have to wait on the Lord – not passively, but by building my hope and my trust.

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Growing weary

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

Every felt weary, or exhausted, or just fatigued? Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Close to burn out? I would imagine that many of us have as it is now something that is very common.

The church that I go to is in a season of unprecedented change. Some of us are feeling weary. With the new “cluster” groups it is easy to adopt a wait-and-see approach as we are all a little weary with having done cell for so long (myself included). I had adopted the “I’ll wait-and-see what happens before getting involved” ideology with good reasons – have run primary cell for a while so did two cells a week. On top of that I run my own company and there has been a recession to contend with. I am on trustees and also volunteer with the British Red Cross. Not to mention my family. I was out most nights doing something and I feel weary. It is not unreasonable to want to step back and take some time out when there is an opportunity to do so. I need it. My family needs it.

I believe that taking a break can be good. We all need a sabbatical every now and then to stay sharp. It could be from church (or doing church things), work – things that cause us stress and weariness.

But this was an emotional response from me (even with good reasons). It wasn’t the right response though as I discovered recently when I did a quick study on what the bible has to say about weariness.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

This, to me is a well known Scripture. I often quote it to people in a “don’t give up” situation. Keep going. Don’t lose heart. Dig your heals in. Let that fight that is within you come out. Your season is coming. Your harvest is on the way. The seed you have sown will bear fruit, just stay with it.

It’s a great verse for that. This time though, I looked at the word weary: let us not grow weary while doing good. This tells me a number of things about weary:

1. You grow weary.
2. Weariness is something you let happen to you.
3. The real danger is that doing good things can make you weary.

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